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discovaderSo, this is a thing I've got now.
This will basically just be a place for me to wordvomit things that are on my mind. Ramblings, rantings, questions, whatever. The usual, I guess.
So let's break this in with complicated feelings about relationship drama! Awww yiss that always does the trick.
So background: me and my most recent ex met at a convention several years ago. We hit it off, became friends, and hooked up after a year. We had a 2-year long distance relationship, and when it was good? It was one of the best I'd had. Problem is, she has some major physical intimacy issues, is asexual (I am not), and kind of a messed up family situation. Add all that on top of distance and things got dicey roughly a year ago. We'd never had a fight until then, but that one fight was all it took, and we decided to go our separate was. We remained close friends, however. Problem is, around New Years, I went to visit her and our mutual friends that live down in her area, and it basically felt like we hadn't really broken up. No kissing or anything happened, but we were far more comfortable in each other's presence than we had any right to be. And from that point we started doing the terrible idea of tossing around thoughts of getting back together.
I was against it, but I was hypocritically hoping that maybe it would happen. I'd been pretty lonely and have always had a tough time finding any sort of casual relationship, and I clearly still cared (care if I'm honest) about her in a more-than-platonic way. She had feelings for me as well, and we'd flip back and forth on the issue. Until this Otakon. We shared a room with two of our mutual friends (nothing happened between us), but on the last day we met up at the end of the convention, and there was a dude there. She'd met him at an asexual meetup the prior day (though he wasn't ace, he was on a forum she frequents that's primarily asexual folks). We hung around, one of our friends showed up and we learned how to play the card game Fluxx (which is really fun) and it was fine. Until we got up to leave. As we left, he went and took her hand in his, and they walked holding hands for a while. And it was like a punch to the gut.
Later that day, we talked about it, and she did feel horrible, since it was unexpected on her part and she knew it must have been hella awkward for me (which it obviously was) and I decided to drop it for that point in time. After all, we were exes, and she was always worrying about not finding someone, so hey, if she did, that was great. I was happy for her. A week went by, and we chatted on and off, and I'd been feeling weird about the whole thing despite trying not to think about it. So we talked about it some more, and it looks like they might actually try out a relationship in the near future. The kicker, though, was the fact that they've kissed several times, including when she said goodbye to him at the convention. And that hit me hard.
I've always had decent breakups with previous exes. I've not once been incredibly jealous of them when they find someone new, and I've remained on speaking terms with everyone that I've dated. And I would absolutely hate to lose her friendship - she's one of the very few people that I include in my circle of true friends. But goddamn, I cannot help but admit that I'm disgustingly jealous, and angry, and worried. Of a lot of things. I'm jealous of the fact that this guy is way better looking and in shape than I am, and that he just overall seems more interesting. I'm jealous (and this is REALLY petty of me) of the fact that my ex, who is asexual with physical intimacy issues, has managed to find someone new before I have. I'm angry at both her and myself for toying around with the idea of getting back together, even if we both knew it was a horrible long shot that probably wasn't going to happen. I'm worried that since he's not asexual, and that he's one of the kinds of guys that doesn't wait around for things, that he'll try and force the sexual side of the relationship on her, and that she'll get hurt, either emotionally or physically. I'm (irrationally) scared that they'll have sex and somehow she'll wind up enjoying it, because the lack of sex in our relationship was a huge issue.
Mostly, though, I'm just extremely lonely right now, and I'm jealous that she has a chance to not be lonely herself. And I am absolutely HATING the fact that I'm getting as petty and jealous about this as I am. I don't like feeling this way whatsoever, and I'm sincerely hoping that I can get over this soon, because if I can't I don't know what I'm going to do with myself in terms of talking to her. I can't lose her as a friend, she's too dear to me for that, and I know that would kill her if we stopped talking. But I don't really know what to do about it.
tl;dr stupid jealousy drama dealing with ex moving on when I haven't exactly done the same yet
On a much more pleasant note, this week has been my first week working my new job at Macy's. It feels SO NICE having a job, finally. I've been looking all summer and found NOTHING until now, and it's a perfect fit - it's like the job that I had for 2 years at Target, so I've basically just gotten back on the proverbial bicycle and remembered how to ride it. Only problem was that on Tuesday I was late for work by an hour because my stupid-ass phone (which I was using as an alarm clock) decided to die in the middle of the night. Jerkass.
It looks like this weekend my dad and I will be able to go crabbing down at the shore, and I'm looking forward to it so much it's ridiculous. Some time out on a boat catchin' crabs is something that I can really use right now to help take my mind off this emotional shitstorm, and plus, crabs are fucking delicious.
Now I'm hungry.
This will basically just be a place for me to wordvomit things that are on my mind. Ramblings, rantings, questions, whatever. The usual, I guess.
So let's break this in with complicated feelings about relationship drama! Awww yiss that always does the trick.
So background: me and my most recent ex met at a convention several years ago. We hit it off, became friends, and hooked up after a year. We had a 2-year long distance relationship, and when it was good? It was one of the best I'd had. Problem is, she has some major physical intimacy issues, is asexual (I am not), and kind of a messed up family situation. Add all that on top of distance and things got dicey roughly a year ago. We'd never had a fight until then, but that one fight was all it took, and we decided to go our separate was. We remained close friends, however. Problem is, around New Years, I went to visit her and our mutual friends that live down in her area, and it basically felt like we hadn't really broken up. No kissing or anything happened, but we were far more comfortable in each other's presence than we had any right to be. And from that point we started doing the terrible idea of tossing around thoughts of getting back together.
I was against it, but I was hypocritically hoping that maybe it would happen. I'd been pretty lonely and have always had a tough time finding any sort of casual relationship, and I clearly still cared (care if I'm honest) about her in a more-than-platonic way. She had feelings for me as well, and we'd flip back and forth on the issue. Until this Otakon. We shared a room with two of our mutual friends (nothing happened between us), but on the last day we met up at the end of the convention, and there was a dude there. She'd met him at an asexual meetup the prior day (though he wasn't ace, he was on a forum she frequents that's primarily asexual folks). We hung around, one of our friends showed up and we learned how to play the card game Fluxx (which is really fun) and it was fine. Until we got up to leave. As we left, he went and took her hand in his, and they walked holding hands for a while. And it was like a punch to the gut.
Later that day, we talked about it, and she did feel horrible, since it was unexpected on her part and she knew it must have been hella awkward for me (which it obviously was) and I decided to drop it for that point in time. After all, we were exes, and she was always worrying about not finding someone, so hey, if she did, that was great. I was happy for her. A week went by, and we chatted on and off, and I'd been feeling weird about the whole thing despite trying not to think about it. So we talked about it some more, and it looks like they might actually try out a relationship in the near future. The kicker, though, was the fact that they've kissed several times, including when she said goodbye to him at the convention. And that hit me hard.
I've always had decent breakups with previous exes. I've not once been incredibly jealous of them when they find someone new, and I've remained on speaking terms with everyone that I've dated. And I would absolutely hate to lose her friendship - she's one of the very few people that I include in my circle of true friends. But goddamn, I cannot help but admit that I'm disgustingly jealous, and angry, and worried. Of a lot of things. I'm jealous of the fact that this guy is way better looking and in shape than I am, and that he just overall seems more interesting. I'm jealous (and this is REALLY petty of me) of the fact that my ex, who is asexual with physical intimacy issues, has managed to find someone new before I have. I'm angry at both her and myself for toying around with the idea of getting back together, even if we both knew it was a horrible long shot that probably wasn't going to happen. I'm worried that since he's not asexual, and that he's one of the kinds of guys that doesn't wait around for things, that he'll try and force the sexual side of the relationship on her, and that she'll get hurt, either emotionally or physically. I'm (irrationally) scared that they'll have sex and somehow she'll wind up enjoying it, because the lack of sex in our relationship was a huge issue.
Mostly, though, I'm just extremely lonely right now, and I'm jealous that she has a chance to not be lonely herself. And I am absolutely HATING the fact that I'm getting as petty and jealous about this as I am. I don't like feeling this way whatsoever, and I'm sincerely hoping that I can get over this soon, because if I can't I don't know what I'm going to do with myself in terms of talking to her. I can't lose her as a friend, she's too dear to me for that, and I know that would kill her if we stopped talking. But I don't really know what to do about it.
tl;dr stupid jealousy drama dealing with ex moving on when I haven't exactly done the same yet
On a much more pleasant note, this week has been my first week working my new job at Macy's. It feels SO NICE having a job, finally. I've been looking all summer and found NOTHING until now, and it's a perfect fit - it's like the job that I had for 2 years at Target, so I've basically just gotten back on the proverbial bicycle and remembered how to ride it. Only problem was that on Tuesday I was late for work by an hour because my stupid-ass phone (which I was using as an alarm clock) decided to die in the middle of the night. Jerkass.
It looks like this weekend my dad and I will be able to go crabbing down at the shore, and I'm looking forward to it so much it's ridiculous. Some time out on a boat catchin' crabs is something that I can really use right now to help take my mind off this emotional shitstorm, and plus, crabs are fucking delicious.
Now I'm hungry.
